Zoo insanity and more
February 12, 2503
Andy le Gurt: Colonel, do you have a minute?
Surigon: Sur, what is it general?
Andy: there is a man in your unit who is ill, more-less, and refuses treatment. he is in need of shore leave, but wont take it.
Surigon: sounds interesting. what is his condition?
Andy: symptoms are mild depression, irratability, lack of sleep, lack of eating, his morale is lower than usual, because of his position this is rippling down the entire chain of command, his reaction time is down nearly 60%--
Surigon: sounds damn important! Tell me his name and I will order him to shore leave immediately.
Andy: his name is Colonel Surigon del froyale. *andy hands surigon his authorization for a leave of absense* Have a nice vacation, colonel.
Surigon: damn, you... you conniving bastard, you have been thinking of this all along, havent you?
Andy: Not really, I just got done watching the original series of star trek. I pulled that trick from spock.
Surigon: well played. I... guess I will spend my vacation in france.
Andy: enjoy your vacation, that is an order. dismissed.
Just outside a zoo in france
Surigon: Good day guardsman!
Guard: good day, kingsman.
Surigon: It certainly is a fine day for adventuring around in the zoo, isn't it?
Guard: I used to be a soldier like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee.
Surigon: it certainly is, isn't-- wait, what?
Guard: Now my cousins are busy fighting in mexico, and I'm stuck here, in france, on guard duty. How depr--
Surigon: hold on, can we go back a second? what did you say?
Guard: er, Now my cousins are--
Surigon: no, no, no, before that.
Guard: I used to be a soldier like you, but then, I took an
Both: arrow to the knee.
Surigon: Yeah, I thought thats what you said. Do you have any, fucking idea what it's like outside the city?!
Surigon: I've been shot at by dozens of arrows, thousands of bullets, I've been stabbed, slashed at, run over, nearly exploded, shot at, burned, frozen, blinded, deafened, SOMETIMES ALL AT ONCE! Every time I wander outside the campsite, I get ambushed by Bandits, or Gangsters, or Insurgents, sometimes, Bandit Gangster Insurgents!
Guard: sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop that shouting--
Surigon: oh, no you don't, don't you dare pull rank on me, mister! I have a hotline to the president and I can ask him to make your boss fire you right on the spot! I am Colonel Surigon, and you should bow down and kiss my boots for all the respect I deserve. but that's not why I came here. I CAME HERE BECAUSE I WANTED TO RELAX!!! Now, if you will please stop punching all my buttons, trying your hardest to piss me off, I would like to do what I came here for.
Guard: Alright fine. just go.
*surigon walks into the zoo*
Boss: you are fired.
Boss: he just walked in without a ticket!
*the guard leaves*
Alarm: alert! alert! lions have excaped the cage and are now heading for the restaurant area!
Surigon: Jeezus CHRIST!!! *surigon pulls out his radio* Tara, I need sattelite surveilance! where is the resteraunt area?!
Tara: typity typity typity, you are 10 feet away from the bathrooms. face left from the perspective of the mens room doors, and then take the first route you see.
Surigon: thank you.
*surigon heads straight to the restaurant area*
Tara: oh my god get out of there, there's lions in the area!
Surigon: that's why I came here!
*as the people come screaming in his direction, he presses a few buttons on his gauntlet; basic body armor envelops each of his arms, his back jump-jets show themselves, and his tophat turns into a helmet; surigon pulls out his blasters*
Surigon: alright you sons of bitches, come and get me!
*surigon shoots a lion mid-air with the left blaster and sets a table on fire with his right; he shoots a lion charging after him with both, and then slaps a lion into a kitchen; the lion catches on fire and then runs beserk through the entire kitchen*
Surigon: Tara, can you send any mech support?
Surigon: TARA!!! Dammit...
*several elephants are being herded in surigon's way by a large pack of wolves*
Surigon: oh god oh god oh god!
*surigon puts up his blasters, pulls out his flame thrower, and sprays the elephants and wolves; the animal control arrives and starts spraying all the animals with tranquilizers*
Surigon: Oh for the love of ney'ru, it's about time you guys arrived! Armor off.
*surigon's battlesuit retracts itself*
February 14 (valentine's day), Andy's house
Natsumi: Jane's going to love this!
*natsumi walks near Tara*
Tara: oh, is that for jane?
Natsumi: *hiding his bag of rare candy behind him* err, uhh, what makes you say that?
Code: Select all
the candy is basically a licorice that changes from cherry flavor to chocolate and then to doctor pepper. there are only 4 factories in the world that produce it, and to obtain a single piece of it is difficult-- natsumi is giving his girlfriend a LOT of love.
Tara: oh, nothing, I simply deduced it based on who you spend your time with, and how.
Natsumi: Well... uh...
Tara: I'm not going to tell anyone.
Natsumi: Thank you mummy!
*natsumi runs to tara*
Surigon: *carrying thousands of envelopes* This is a fuckload of love letters from fans around the world! I never knew I was famous.
Tara: Oh my, isn't that just adorable?
*tara points at Natsumi giving his girlfriend the valentine's day gift*
Surigon: He is very lucky.
Tara: that is assuming, of course, she returns his favor.
Code: Select all
in this day and age, people speak their mind and do what they feel like doing at the moment. to think about something is rare, even if what is being done is violent, due to how difficult it has gotten to damage the human body. in fact, cancer has gone away due to the fact that people are born immune to it.
Surigon: well, should I read these individually and respond, should I have a machine simply send an automated thank-you message to each address, or should I just pitch'em?
Tara: hey, that reminds me... you never gave me anything for valentines day.
Surigon: *surigon looks at the watch* dammit Err, what's mine is yours, take your pick!
*tara grinds her teeth; her face visibly turns angry-red; steam literally pours out of her ears*
Tara: I HATE YOU!!!!!
*tara shoves surigon's face into the pile*
Tara: a thousand years of DEATH to you!!!!!
*tara nut-kicks surigon several feet into the air*
*surigon lands headfirst into the pile of love letters*
Tara: Happy valentines day!
*tara brushes off her hands, puts on a smirk, and walks away*
Jane: What did you break the hug for?
Natsumi: now THAT is comical! *natsumi points at his parents*
Jane: what's with your dad?
Natsumi: I bet dad forgot to send mom a valentine again, and he had the nerve to ask her to help with those letters.
Jane: oh, my...
Natsumi: first, she bitchslapped him headfirst into that pile, and then she sent him flying about twice her height into the air.
Jane: tee-hee! your mom is definitely feisty!
Natsumi: she is, isn't-- oh god he's just asking for seconds...
*surigon runs to Tara before she can reach the front door to the house; he picks her up and hugs her*
Jane: that turned out better than I expected.
*surigon takes Tara into the house*
Natsumi: hey, do you think anyone else my age is physically older than they really are?
Jane: what do you mean?
Natsumi: er... maybe this is better told to you where there aren't quite so many people...
*jane and natsumi walk behind the parking lot*
Jane: ok, now what is it?
Natsumi: remember when I told you I was 19?
Jane: yeah, and you correctly estimated my age to be 20...
Natsumi: I may physically be 19, but really, I'm 12.
*suddenly the background ambiance stops and jane's jaw drops*
Natsumi: and YOU don't have to sit there!
Musician: where else is private enough for me to practice? besides, I'm also here to learn how to date with my girlfriend. *the musician resumes playing his violin* you dropped a major bombshell on her, though, man.
Natsumi: ok your alright right there, but jane, I am not 19, I'm 12.
Jane: ...how the hell are you 12?!
Natsumi: I have reverse muscular and skeletal atrophe. putting it into your terms, considering you don't spend 90% of your time on the internet and therefore have never studied medicine, my body grew up before it was supposed to.
Jane: but-- but-- you are so mature and so smart and--
Natsumi: believe me, the reason for this is that the reverse atrophe isn't localized to just my structure, it effects me altogether, including my brain.
Jane: *jane shakes her head* HOW THE HELL ARE YOU 12?! your head should be right here-- *jane puts her hand on her waste* --and instead its like an entire head above my own! you can bench press like 300 pounds! your the sole reason the football team is so good, your the best at the debate team, yet you are 12!!!
Natsumi: All that you have mentioned is true.
Jane: ...I must sit down.
*jane places her rump right on top of the log*
Natsumi: Why do you think my parents named me Natsumi, anyway? I mean, that's a japanese name!
Jane: now that I know your age, I know why. 12 years ago, france was assisting the united states in getting japan out of a little terrorist crisis.
Natsumi: huh, interesting.
Jane: anyway, wanna go bowling?
Code: Select all
And so, begins a legacy that will go on, and on, and on, and on, evermore. Thanks for your permission, deepy.