Gareck is sitting by the door to a restaraunt. he is pretending to be a beggar. his girlfriend is about to enter the restaraunt.
Gareck: Spare a coin please.
Gareck: I have 6 jahres and i need a 7th one in order to afford my food for the week. besides, I'm sitting right next to the same restaraunt you are about to enter.
Jutlass: alright, here.
Gareck: generosity breeds returning the favor, my lady. tell me, what do you think of gareck?
Jutlass: how do you know my boyfriend?
Gareck: oh, please, this is his favorite restaraunt. he comes here, he feeds me, and we discuss life. for the past 3 months nearly an hour every day has been devoted just to talking to you.
Gareck: what's more, gareck really thinks you are beautiful. I must admit, your appearance is typical, but thats how much he likes you.
Jutlass: well, thanks, i guess.
Gareck: has he ever told you that you were beautiful?
Jutlass: sometimes i don't think he knows any sentence other than that.
Gareck: really? well, then, can you appreciate that?
Jutlass: I appreciate everything that life gives me.
Gareck: well, have you two slept together then?
Jutlass: ...what are you talking about?
Gareck: you appear to be, what, 23?
Jutlass: I'm 25.
Gareck: listen, you have plenty of time ahead of you, but school is archaic. science has moved so far ahead of what they teach you in school that they don't even bother updating it. thats why i dropped out of high school. i had a good career ahead of me, but back when i was 34 and i had a wife, pregnant with twins, a hoverplane crashed right on top of our car. the car was totalled, my wife killed, along with the twins, and I was crippled for life. i was fired because i couldn't do my job as a doctor, of various kinds. now i make it a job of mine to influence young lovers into a future thats as bright as mine is, was, in the hopes that it doesn't get snatched away by fate.
Jutlass: and your point is?
Gareck: I'm getting there. I studied relationships before, and i can tell you, what the school says about it is nothing like what real life is like.
Jutlass: so your saying that guys aren't completely logical compared to women?
Gareck: actually, men are somewhat more logical than females until you factor in tomboys. anyway, what they have to deal with is powerful physical urges.
Jutlass: so your saying that i need to give gareck a blowjob?
Gareck: well, you said it, not me. i was about to tell you to be a little less, hmm, how should i put it, subtle.
Jutlass: what does--
Gareck: and if you excuse me, *gareck looks at his watch* I need to take my pain medication otherwise my back pain will overload my signals and make it impossible for my brain to tell my heart to beat.
*gareck enters the restaraunt*
Gareck: this is gareck. mission accomplished.
Acco: (over the phone) did she buy it?
Gareck: yep. your plan worked. i got her to draw the conclusion before i could even remember that that was my goal.
Acco: good. time for you to return to being yourself. i'm in the men's room.
*gareck goes straight to the men's room*
Acco: I texted the lady at the counter. if your girlfriend asks her if she saw a hobo, the lady will say yes and that he came, ordered lunch, and left.
Gareck: good. *gareck starts washing the dirt off his face* is my suit ready?
Acco: I couldn't have found a sharper tux.
Gareck: good. how fast can you get me washed up?
Acco: well, sinse you aren't a madran, you are easier, uhh, 10 seconds plus strip time.
*as gareck starts ripping his tatters off, acco sets up the instant-shower machine; gareck steps in, and 10 seconds later, his skin is an entire pigment paler and he no longer stinks*
Acco: the suit is over in the third stall, try not to step in the toilet.
Gareck: thanks. *gareck goes to the third stall* argh, what a mess! *gareck changes into his suit*
Acco: oh, and good luck. after your woman has left, message me, and i and my girlfriend will come pick you up.
Gareck: thanks again.
Acco: hey, it's what friends are for, right? besides, your my boss, I recieve my paycheck from you each month.
Gareck. no problem.
Acco: I'll clean up here, you get to your reserved seat.
Gareck: I simply can't thank you enough.
Acco: just go!
*gareck leaves the bathroom and goes to his booth*
Gareck: and now we simply have to wait.
*the waiter takes Jutlass to the booth*
Gareck: Greetings and salutations, my ever-so-lovely piece of all that is good and beautiful, how has your day been thus far?
Jutlass: it's been good. i didn't expect you to be waiting for me.
Gareck: I was. make your order, i'm going to handle payment.
Jutlass: i thought we agreed that this one was on me and not you?
Gareck: i had someone pick your pocket. check for this. *gareck pulls out jutlass's wallet and hands it to her*
Jutlass: oh, your HANDLING the payment.
Gareck: and the tab's not on me, im just taking care of the money. i put in an additional five hundred jahres, i would like for you to try using deuce oil instead of gasoline this time.
Jutlass: what do you mean?
Gareck: i did some modifications to the car, and sinse you are a better driver than i am, i would like for you to fill it with deuce oil instead of gasoline. then i want you to take it for a spin, see if it holds its fuel at high speeds any better now than before.
Jutlass: isn't deuce oil low in quality?
Gareck: normally, yes, but i think i have discovered a way to make cars more fuel efficient using deuce oil than using gasoline. also, deuce oil is one of the few liquids that you can compress. my theory is that if you put a single gallon of gasoline in and then fill it the rest of the way with deuce oil, not only will it function, but it will function better than nearly all fuels.
Jutlass: how big is your fuel tank?
Gareck: 50 gallons, but with deuce oil you never know how much compression will give you.
Jutlass: and how will i gaurantee it is just at 1 gallon?
Gareck: i left a fuel siphon in my trunk. trust me, it only works on my car, so dont bother trying to steal gas from other cars with it. it has about 9 gallons left in it now, and i left a 10-gallon and a 1-gallon jug in there. remove the gas and put in in the 10-gallon, then fill up the 1-gallon jug. then use the one-gallon to fill up the car and fill it with deuce oil.
Jutlass: and what happens if someone catches me?
Gareck: improvise. i left 50 gallons of deuce oil in my trunk, and i left a few things in there to defend yourself with.
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Gareck has a massive trunk for his car. he made it himself and gave himself a roomy trunk.
Jutlass: alright then.
Jutlass: oh great, I haven't even started the test drive and there's already cops near.
Cop: I know what your planning on doing.
Jutlass: what am i planning on doing?
Cop: siphoning the gas from this car.
Jutlass: oh, why would i be putting the gas in the same gas jugs that im going to be putting back into the car if im stealing it?
Cop: because you are trying to keep yourself from using it all up.
Jutlass: please, you are making a big deal out of nothing. *jutlass starts putting deuce oil in the car*
Cop: what are you doing with that deuce oil?
Jutlass: putting it in the gas tank.
Cop: oh now i know your planning on stealing this car.
Jutlass: my boyfriend wants me to test out a new chemical formula he has for his car.
Cop: You're under arrest on grounds of grand theft auto. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do--
Jutlass: alright, you are NOT arresting me.
Cop: --can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford--
Jutlass: fuck you ass hole! *jutlass gets in the car and drives off* wow, this thing is going fast!
Cop: citizen, pull over, please.
*the cop turns on the siren; his car is barely able to accelerate as fast as the car jutlass is using*
jutlass: wow, this one is fast! 0-120 in less than 2 seconds! he certainly made an effective engine configuration.
Cop: citizen, i said to pull over. if you do not slow down i will be forced to fire.
Jutlass: how am i going so fast? this car has never broken the 200 limit!
*the cop pulls out a gun and starts shooting; jutlass floors it, and she outruns the cop*
Jutlass: and look at the gas tank! it's still full.
Gareck: and you say that the gas tank never fell below 95% full?
Jutlass: that's right. furthermore, i was able to outrun the cop before he could catch up to me, and a few minutes later 6 cops tried to stop me for speeding. i was even able to outrun the helecopter.
Gareck: How expectable. Thank you, my darling. I used the same principals for that car as i did for a ship i was building, and n--
Jutlass: wait, a ship!?
Gareck: yes. as you are aware, the Doannan government has made it illegal to go into space without a specific licence, yes?
Gareck: as you also no, most people who have this licence are nutcakes and in addition, when they got back, if they spoke of what they saw, they were thrown in prison-- never to be seen or heard from, or even of, again, as they get wiped from all records, is this true?
Gareck: then is it also, therefore, a logical conclusion that anything the Doannan government tells us about space is invalid, physics aside? sure, there could be dragons in space, but they say that dragons do not exist; this is also the same government that says that hallucinations are a disease that requires treatment, yet says that the insanity associated with space travel is due to space travel in and of itself.
Jutlass: all true, but these thoughts are dangerous!
Gareck: hold that thought. *gareck whips out a device and removes the thought controller from jutlass* you are free. don't worry, i was able to remove my own.
Jutlass: what have you done?!
Gareck: saved you from your maker. come, we must transfer the engine from the car to the ship, there is no time to lose.
Jutlass: well, now that you have done that, i suppose it might be a good idea to tell you something important.
Gareck: please, tell me.
Jutlass: that I love you, even though I am supposed to marry Acco when i get older.
Gareck: I know you do. thats why i chose you as my mate. he was able to allow me to hit on you because i removed his thought control device, as well as the one on his girlfriend.
Gareck: I needed someone to test my device remover on. he was the logical candidate.
Jutlass: and that logical thinking is why i love you.
Gareck: you showed the symptoms, thats how i knew.
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Gareck is an empath.
Acco: Hi, how are you? This is acco, gareck, I need you to come over.
Gareck: acco, now is not the best time. jutlass and I have less than 4 hours to get this machine thing done, and she doesn't have the blueprint memorized. here.
Jutlass: the secret police are on their way. gareck installed another device into me that would allow me to keep track. they are walking, as usual, and are 4 hours and 10 miles away.
Acco: and as soon as they pick up some wheels, they will be down your throats in an instant. that's part of why i am calling you. check your mail, I sentcha a pack-everything-inside-this box. it will allow you to take your work with you. oh, and you might wanna hurry, they got some serious firepower coming your way, i would know cause i hacked into the security camera system.
Jutlass: you hear that gareck? that means we gotta haul ass out of here!
Gareck: but the car--
Acco: now tell me, old lady, who in the name of all the 8 governments are you?
Lady: I'm not telling you.
Acco: I figured as much. take care of her, quake.
*quake comes out of the shadows and she injects a painful substance into the lady's arm*
Acco: I am pressed for time, right now, so I have to do this. if you don't submit in 30 seconds, you will tell us right before dying. who are you?
Lady: My name is valeris.
Acco: now, quake.
*quake deactivates the nanobot serum*
Valeris: I have come here to arrest you and your woman. as you can see, i appear to have failed in that duty, but don't worry. my thought controller will detonate soon enough.
Quake: I don't think so. you will not detonate, the power of suggestion is nearly as high as that of revenge, only it can be served at any temperature-- *quake removes the thought controller* and best of all, it can be served anytime, anywhere, in any form, and using any device.
Valeris: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! *valeris jerks forward, and the chair makes her fall flat on her face*
Acco: haha! *acco sets valeris upright* with that removed, I can easily question you.
*valeris breaks her arms out of the ropes and puts a death grip on acco; seconds later, a shotgun is shot into the ceiling, and acco immediately puts himself on top of valeris*
Acco: I'm afraid this government which you love so much is unfair.
Quake: it is tyrannical and undemocratic.
Valeris: lies! we let everyone vote!
Acco: in your position, you cannot prove your case; in my position, i can point out that there are spy cameras dotting the streets like ants; worse, these are almost always aimed to where they can look inside houses, rather than the streets.
Valeris: do you realize how much crime happens inside houses each and every day?!
Quake: oh, yeah, enough that back when i was in, i was 1 of a 3-man army and i got all the field work. it was exactly 2 calls a week.
Acco: i sent her on everything i got.
Quake: furthermore, law requires that we have at least 12 elections each year; there hasn't been one in over 5 years.
Acco: neighbors and entire families are disappearing just because they had the wrong thoughts.
Quake: now do you believe me?
Acco: we have friends coming over that will help convince you.
Quake: have you ever wondered what it's like out there in space?
Valeris: no reason to. it's just a bunch of rocks.
Quake: do you really believe that?
Acco: take a good look at these telescope images.
*acco puts pictures of the stars onto the table; many of them have obvious meaning*
Valeris: all of these are photoshopped.
Acco: do you really think i would photoshop something with a snapshot?
Valeris: it's been done before.
*quake activates the nanobots just long enough to make valeris wince*
Acco: but the one that got my attention the most was this one. this is the best and most complete picture i could get.
Acco: from what i was able to gather, she's huge. however, that ship has better battle capabilities than an imperial battleship, and you know that just one of them could easily destroy this entire planet.
Valeris: you are kidding, i hope.
Acco: no, I'm not. i saw it firing this odd ray at an imperial battleship; this ray was not only penetrating the shield, but it also went straight through the shields like they weren't there, try as they might to stop it, then it went through the nose, straight into the power plant, causing quite a spectacular explosion.
Quake: as soon as our friends get here, we are going to build a ship and go into space.
Valeris: you need a lisence to do that, you'll never escape the battleship.
Acco: oh, yes we will! we have your command codes, and we have the engineering capabilities of Gareck.
Valeris: I am not impressed.
Quake: what if i told you that he invented the device that many rebels have died for for nearly 90 years, overnight, while drunk, having sex, and in his basement? what if i also told you that he invented the best engine in existence?
Acco: did i mention that he also invented a stronger shield than your battleships?
Quake: we are going to fly into space, and there is not a thing in existence that can stop us, no matter how hard it tries.
Valeris: you are insane.
*knock knock knock*
Acco: come in!
*jutlass and gareck come in carrying a suitcase*
Acco: sit down, we have much to discuss.
*jutlass and gareck sit down by the TV; acco and an old lady come out of the kitchen*
Acco: these are the friends i was talking about. now, Valeris, will you listen to me?
Gareck: you told her the plan?
Quake: no, i did. *quake comes out of the kitchen and she takes her finger off the shotgun*
Gareck: we must return to work.
*gareck get the stuff out of the pack-everything-in-this-box and continues their work*
Quake: now, valeris, i need those command codes.
Valeris: and what happens if i decline to give them?
*quake activates the nanobots to get her point accross*
Captain: ahh, yet another boring day, patrolling the rogue planet.
Underling: perhaps you should have taken that promotion. even a desk job would be better than this.
Pilot: shall i chart a course around the moon for a slingshot effect?
Captain: that might just be the most exciting thing of today. in fact--
Tactical: sir, there's a pirate coming this way.
Captain: Battle alert. weapons to readiness. shields up.
Science: sir, there's another ship coming from the planet. I was only able to detect it with our own sensors, the primary sensor network was disabled in that area.
Captain: is it not a pirate?
Science: I'm not sure. it doesn't match any configuration in my data computer.
*everyone looks at the image that the science station is sharing, and they shake their head*
Gareck: now we've given them something else to shoot at. shields up!
Jutlass: shields up. shall i--
Gareck: charge weapons. hell, combat alert.
*the lights turn red*
Valeris: I hate that you had to exploit me like this!
Gareck: gag her. Acco, scan the superbattleship.
Acco: I've never had such high resolution scans!
Gareck: send them to tactical and send them to the pirate. target the shield generator on that battleship and hold the lock. bring us in closer.
Jutlass: gareck, if we go any closer we will be in their weapon's range!
Gareck: our shields will hold!
Jutlass: no, they won't! those people are using anti-shield weaponry!
Gareck: and I've studied their anti-shield weapons, and found a counter! just do it!
Jutlass: countered?! something you would do. alright, bringing us closer! we are now 10 pascels away!
Gareck: get us closer!
Acco: their reactor is effecting us with it's massive gravitational pull!!!!
Gareck: keep going!!
Jutlass: 5 pascels away!!
Jutlass: 3 pascels!
Gareck: now! pull out and unload our capacitors!
*the battleship's shield generators are obliterated, and the weapons are disabled*
Gareck: move us away. inform the pirate that the battleship has been disabled and they can do as they please with it. set a course for the nearest star system, locate the program labeled as FTL and engage.
*the Avenger starts going in a straight line, then extends 4 nacelles; they flash, and the avenger is dead in the water*
Gareck: what happened?!
Jutlass: I'm not sure...
Acco: whatever it is, we aren't going anywhere.
*gareck grabs a wrench and goes to the engine panel; he opens it and starts rubbing his chin*
Gareck: hmm, this is interesting.
*gareck bangs the inside with the wrench a few times and closes the panel*
Gareck: try it now.
*the nacelles flash, and in the flash, from an outsider's perspective, the avenger disappears*
Gareck: now, status report. we are going at 63 times the speed of light, already disproving two theories that the government gave us, and it is smooth riding all the way to centaurus maximus.
Jutlass: this should be interesting.
*the ship comes out of FTL*
Gareck: hey, what's going on!? this is in the middle of space, centaurus maximus isn't here!
Acco: I'm determining what went wrong.
*a heavily armored, 3-armed ship decloaks*
Gareck: ready weapons!
Jutlass: our weapons were brought offline when we were forced out of FTL!!
Acco: I'm going to need your help, *acco ungags Valeris*
Valeris: no thanks to you.
Jutlass: they are charging weapons!
Gareck: evasive manuvers!
*the ship fires the superweapon from one if it's arms*
Quake: not enough power! shields are barely holding!
Gareck: allow me. *gareck goes to the engine panel again and hooks something up*
Quake: power's back.
*the ship manages to get out of the superweapon beam*
Gareck: divert all power not being used for engines to shields!
Quake: shields recharged at 60% efficiency, they are taking a major pounding sir!
Gareck: move us away! retreat!
*avenger turns around and runs; the battleship tucks back two of its arms and takes chase*
Quake: they are persuing us!
Gareck: bring us about and then transfer power from engines to weapons. singe their front.
*just as avenger turns around, the battleship comes to a hard stop and launches fighters*
Acco: shields ineffective!
Gareck: transfer power from shields to engines and perform evasive maneuvers!
Quake: I was able to get us moving and i can increase speed but i don't have helm controll!
Gareck: make do!
Quake: i will!
Jutlass: we are losing hull integrity! the external stations are getting breaches!
Gareck: close them off!
Jutlass: bulkheads aren't responding, we are venting atmosphere!
Gareck: before we forget, retract the FTL stabilization nacelles!
Acco: only 3 of them responded, the 4th is badly damaged!
Gareck: transfer power from the nacelles!
Quake: that nacelle is throwing us off, even redeploying the others won't help!
*avenger starts drifting in the general direction that the nacelle is on*
Gareck: do you have helm controll?!
Quake: i still don't have helm controll!
Gareck: divert power from thrusters, try the shields on a different polarity, frequency, try the entire spectrum! there's gotta be a way to stop their weapons!
Acco: power diversion systems are inoperative!!
*an energy beam shoots straight through the bridge*
Computer: warning. atmospheric depressurization in 10 seconds.
Gareck: everyone get into your suits!
*valeris holds her hands in front of her*
Computer: warning. atmospheric depressurization in 60 seconds.
Valeris: i bought us some time. *valeris scrambles to get in a pressure suit*
*the entire bridge starts getting shot up like swiss cheese*
Valeris: *valeris goes to the radio* Jutveh, creeeek krak'det menene kiki kackset!
*the battleship and it's fighters stop firing*
Valeris: this ship has never been in space, the people inside are space virgins, and the race i am flying with keeps people from escaping their planet.
Radio: Valeris. your name is a legend among my people, however few of my people can successfully maintain a combination of xenosian and bhumian dialects while in the middle of a fight, especially without a pierced throat, not like you can.
Garreck: valeris, who are these people?!
Radio: you have not told them of us?
Valeris: Tetvu moweh. kelgar met'he metwe.
Radio: agreed. tell them of the glorious empire of Ramses!
*valeris puts her face into her palm*
Radio: we always win our battles! except against the insect-like monsters that terrorize our mining operations. those pesky insects are some of the few people who can win against us.
Garreck: isn't it logical that if someone implemented their tactics that you would lose?
Radio: logical, yes, how it actually happened, no. their speed and agility are higher than any other ship, their organisms are tougher than most ships, their fire-rate and range are higher, and they use primitive technology. only one man was able to outdo them, and he existed just prior to the great exodus. obviously, he is dead.
Garreck: who is this one man?
Radio: he is--
Valeris: --a great man that was removed from the history books, and we may never know who he was.
Garreck: (disappointed) oh. i can't research him without a name.
Radio: well, you are in Ramses space, so here's some basic rules. 1: never go faster than 10 megalight. 2: never shoot first. a suggestion, you might want something other than tachyon conversion drive, that's used by pirates because of the fact that you can't scan a vessel in tachyon form.
Garreck: thanks for the warning. *garreck deactivates the radio* what the hell was that?!
Valeris: you have never been in space before; I have! i know how to deal with these people, you don't!
Garreck: I could vaporize you right here on the spot! *garreck pulls out a blaster, points it at valeris, and just as he attempts to pull the trigger, valeris waves her hand, and the blaster appears to be discharged*
Acco: Garreck, please!
Jutlass: i agree with garreck. she probably set that up as a trap.
Quake: i'm with acco.
*everyone starts arguing, and when valeris sits down cross-legged, everyone stops arguing*
Valeris: are we done arguing now?
Garreck: as a matter of fact, yes.
Valeris: good. now we can head for centaurus maximus un-intruded.