Secretary of Chronicle: we have had the stock market crash 6 times in half as many years, which is why we banned stock market use, and then we went to war with the Ramses Empire, which was quickly and decisively settled by merchants from both sides selling useless weapons to both sides-- in other words, mutual sabotage ended the war.
Secretary of Defense: I still don't know how they managed to do that!
Secretary of Chronicle: as was observed by Laurifer, the ramsians are similar to the rivi'i, and even have similar DNA, however their cultures are, obviously, different, as the rivi'i wouldn't allow their merchants to sell weapons.
Secretary of Chronicle: moving right along here, the next four years after that have been spent in a relative peace. we are essentially trying to wedge ourselves into a very small crack, and the others don't like us, however the fact that they aren't attacking us relentlessly means they understand that we absolutely have to do this.
Laurifer: alright, basically, we formed a small empire within a highly crouded territory, and while nobody likes it, nobody is doing anything about it. in 4 years, while our empire has not been very successful, the fact that we are negotiating for each and every inch of turf and throwing our entire military at whatever we can't negotiate for, means that we are doing at least relatively well.
Secretary of chronicle: i was getting there...
Laurifer: you werent going fast enough, at the rate you were going it was going to be tomorrow before we could get onto what we needed to do. long story short--
Secretary of chronicle: i can easily relieve you of your post...
Kennedy: do that, and your fired. go on.
Laurifer: --the other racial formations are talking about making some pretty hasty alliances, mostly military in nature, and they are gathering all their fleet... *laurifer's third eye starts projecting a holographic map* right here, almost 60 parsecs in the 90,40,30 generic star direction. according to my sensor network, there is a very strong gravitational pull right here *laurifer points at a spot in the far-away point of the cone's direction* meaning that either the ta'yawhans have a fleet of super-star-ships there or an unknown alien race has assembled a very large fleet right there. this leaves us two possibilities: one, the aliens are friendly, extremely unlikely considering the likelyhood of any cargo, even weapons-for-sale, being heavy enough to be the equivalent of nearly 4 middle-sized proto-stars, or two, they are enemies. that would make better sense, as there are some military-grade materials that are incredibly strong and easy to obtain, and therefore are cheap, but they are extremely heavy. these materials are used as armor. there are other experimental materials, also of very high weight, that allow for various types of reactors to generate an incredibly large amount of energy, but this is getting too technical with the techno-babble. continuing on, the weight combined with the very large military force pointed in that general direction mean that there is a 94% chance that they are not only hostile, but very deadly, considering that one of the ramsian battleships is almost more than a match for 3 phoenix-class superbattleships, and there are at least 60 ramsian battleships.
Kennedy: thank you for that summarization, laurifer, and now to save time, i shall have a vote: if you wish for us to take military action, raise your hand in a pistol shape. if you wish for us to take non-military action, the vulcan symbol. if you wish for us to ignore this, give me the finger.
*out of 65 people in the room, 60 of them say they want military action*
Kennedy: that settles it then.
Secretary of defense: one more thing--
Laurifer: telepathy. he wants to ask about fleet captain penney, who is currently indisposed, splurging his massive and nearly infinite fortune on his retirement.
Kennedy: bring him back. his skills are far too--
Laurifer: consider it done. *laurifer stands up and teleports away*
Kennedy: i want plans to defend against this new threat by tomorrow afternoon.
*laurifer goes to a computer and types in a few keys*
Computer: Delfroyale, Penney. Rank: Fleet-captain. Physical Age: 163 years 6 months 92 days, insufficient data for further precision.
Laurifer: status of Penney.
Computer: location is unknown.
*laurifer shakes his head slowly*
Computer: current career: retired military.
Laurifer: does captain penney have any relatives, any loved ones?
Computer: starting with closest living family, then friends: Vegas Delfroyale, George Treet...
Laurifer: thank you. have a good day.
Computer: may your day be as well as any other's day has been.
Laurifer: Kadop, how is father?
Kadop: father is unwell. his simplification programs are breaking down, and once that happens, his sanity will loosen its hold on him, and eventually, all that will be left of him is a child rocking back and forth.
Laurifer: how much time does he have?
Kadop: he will not be alive tomorrow.
Laurifer: then we must begin immediately.
*laurifer goes to greywing, who activates upon noticing his son*
Laurifer: father, it is me, laurifer.
Greywing: Laurifer. Lifelike Artificial Unit Responsible for Infiltration, and Functional Electronic Replicant.
Laurifer: good, you remembered.
Greywing: i create only the best. you and kadop are my greatest creations.
Laurifer: father, you have only--
Greywing: my programming is falling apart because of a virus created by the ramsians. i recognize the signature that their virus leaves behind. after it gets done, not even basic binary code remains. i only have 4 hours to remain. transfer only the information i have staked out, for it is what is left of the data that has yet to be destroyed.
Kadop: it is ready.
Laurifer: lets get this party on the road.
*laurifer pulls a cord from the back of his head and inserts it into a computer, then kadop pulls one from the computer and inserts it into greywing's side. both cyborgs' eyes start glowing, then they roll back into the heads.*
Laurifer: so, penney's wife is not a hundred percent human.
Kadop: fascinating, and he managed to get her pregnant.
Laurifer: thank you, father. now i have a general idea of where to look for vegas at.
Greywing: good thing that damn virus didn't get to my translocation program yet! if anyone will know where penney is, it will be vegas.
Kadop: my ship, the humidifier, can unlock the higher dimensions.
Laurifer: no time to waste. lets book it!
Vegas: you guys certainly seem to be on a mission.
Laurifer: should i go straight for the purpose or relax you into it?
Kadop: please, i should be the diplomat here, not you.
Vegas: alright kadop, what would you like to say?
Kadop: should i go straight for the purpose or relax you into it?
*laurifer punches kadop's left arm*
Vegas: to you, laurifer, you can go straight for the jugulars. to you, kadop, please relax me into it.
*the cyborgs give each other confused looks*
Vegas: so, how is the terran empire doing while i am not pressing my thumb on it?
Laurifer: very in--
Kadop: --it is currently doing a lot better than expected.
Laurifer: very inefficient at anything. i was able to summarize in just under 20 minutes what was projected to take 2 days to explain, and i had a similar effect with my audience as was expected with the other method.
Vegas: it's all in the patience, my friend.
Laurifer: just one problem with that.
Kadop: not yet!
Laurifer: there is a massive enemy fleet that is about 6 days--
Vegas: uhh, gravimetric distortions?
Laurifer: well, yeah..
Vegas: inability to use telescopes to examine enemy fleet?
Laurifer: that is correct...
Vegas: they are the rompvershlings. while they have some pretty large ships, their clever engineers found a way to use an FTL drive for maneuvering. specifically, they tend to use warp drive to outmaneuver even average fighters. their primary FTL drive is tachyon conversion drive, and then there's teleportation when time is of the essense, or to save said time on long-distance journeys, though that takes the fun out of getting there, which is half the fun of any trip.
Laurifer: please, time is of the essense.
Vegas: their technological level is extremely high, and their ships are very powerful. however, their technology seems to consist mostly of things with odd-ball advantages. for example, the hyperbolic tachyon generator power-core almost as much energy as an artificial supernova power plant, is lightweight, and can double as a back-up tachyon-converter for tachyon conversion drive as well as a magnetic shield generator, however those last two properties are rarely, if ever used. while their hull is weak, it is extremely light; it is minimized in weight, because it serves only to hold in the atmosphere and to house the internal circuitry and etc. only a race of their technological level could minimize it that much. their shields are highly constricted, and basically wrap themselves around the skin of the ship. in addition, there are three layers: the first one is the typically shaped sphere. the second shield set is closely constricted to the hull's shape; in fact, in terms of shape, it is essentially a bloated version of the ship. the third layer isn't technically a shield-set, but instead is used to help maintain structural integrity, for example, when their ship is entering the atmosphere.
Kadop: we came here for one specific thing, not this...
Vegas: calm your tits, I'm giving you the information you need to single-handedly, without external support, win a minor war against the rompvershlings. moving right along, their primary weapons consist largely of missiles and energy-beams and rays. secondary weapons could be anything from simple flak to grappling hooks to boarding pods, to simply ramming you and hoping for the best.
Laurifer: while this is very fascinating...
Vegas: ...you want to know that the location of captain penney is in the aquarius star system, which is closest to the star system kennedy decided to inhabit. that is the star system he would have encountered next had he gone further, and penney is being a hermit there. which planet he is on, i do not know; however, there is an earthlike planet, mostly with almost resort-like places that can allow one to relax easily. it is filled with rainforests, the beaches are beautiful, i can see why he chose that spot.
Kadop: thank you, vegas.
Vegas: oh, and here's a data padd holding all of what i have told you, in case you chumps forgot to record it yourself.
Laurifer: thank you very much.
Laurifer: we are at the planet that vegas mentioned.
Kadop: my sensor cluster is not showing anything about his location.
Laurifer: that's because the planet's generating a natural anti-gravimetric field, as well as a gravity field that's twice as strong as a normal one. your sensors couldn't even see the broad side of a barn if you stamped a target on it's fat ass, plastered it with signal flares, and painted it with lasers.
Kadop: alright then, how are we--
Laurifer: there. right there, don't you see it?
Kadop: what are you talking about?
Laurifer: zoom in closer, my sister. see that tent?
Kadop: huh, hadn't noticed.
Laurifer: that is penney's camp, and sinse he is physically about 80 years old, he wouldn't spend much time far from camp.
Computer: lifesign located. Penney Delfroyale. Status: asleep.
Kadop: found where he's lounging at currently.
Laurifer: preparing a landing pod, for most effective message sending.
Kadop: here, use this to help convince him. he will mistake you for father, whom he knows better than either of us.
Penney: where's my doll?
*penney grabs his grabbing-cane and starts turning over stones, trying to find his doll. moments later, he finds a centaur that bears a remarkable resemblance to vegas.*
Penney: ah, there you are, there's vegan! now all i have to do-- ooh, ahh. *penney lies down on a towell* is sit back and relax. *penney sets vegan to his side, puts his hands behind his head, and closes his eyes.*
Vegan: beep. beep. beep.
Penney: huh? *penney picks up the doll and unzips the back of it; the tracking beacon is glowing yellow, meaning that the target is military and known* THAT isn't good! *penney rolls over, and then is slightly shaken when laurifer and kadop's pod hits the sand. penney sits up and looks at the pod, just as laurifer pops his head out.* Greywing!
Soundtrack wrote:Furious Angels by Rob Dougan
Laurifer: Penney, good to see you.
Penney: so how are things in the empire doing?
Laurifer: they are being managed very well. kennedy has been getting run ragged, lately, but that's because he recently fired absolutely all the secretaries and has been running the empire single-handedly, up until 4 months ago.
Penney: that is something that he is good at, that is for sure!
Laurifer: he has ordered me to get you and fetch you back.
Penney: wait wait wait... what did he do to force you into this?
Laurifer: uh, he didn't?
Penney: uncertainty. where did you learn THAT tone of voice? last time we talked, you had 6, and that was not one of them.
Laurifer: I have had upgrades sinse then--
Penney: then why don't i see any? oh, what's this? *penney's hand passes over the battery pack of the mirage device, and laurifer's true colors are shown*
Kadop: it would appear that our true side has been revealed.
Penney: you bastard.
Laurifer: captain penney, based upon article 4, section 21, sub-section 6, paragraph 3, sentence 7, you are ordered to--
Penney: NO!!!! I am an old man, you are not going to recruit me back to the military that easy! I am tired as hell of your attempts to bring me back, but I am not returning to the military!
Laurifer: I was afraid you were going to--
Penney: I have put more time into the military than any of you, and i am not going to take this any more!!!
*laurifer pulls out a phaser; penney performs a backflip while kicking laurifer's phaser out of his hands. then when he lands, he leaps into the air and does a kick to laurifer's jaw, knocking him on his back, and landing on his own feet*
Laurifer: i am surprised, old man.
Penney: I have had enough of you!!! *penney pulls an energized sword out of his cane, and swings it at laurifer; just then, kadop fires an energy bolt that if the sword were held by anyone else, would have knocked it out of penney's hands*
Kadop: leave my brother alone!
Penney: I will deal with you later! *penney swings at kadop, pressing the trigger, making the sword fire an energy bolt of it's own at kadop*
Laurifer: leave kadop alone!!! *laurifer leaps after penney and tackles him*
Penney: i will not return to the military!!! *penney stabs laurifer with the sword and fires a massive energy ray, frying several internal components*
Kadop: NOOO!!!!! *kadop throws his tomahawk at penney, who barely dodges the tomahawk by ducking*
Penney: all this tech and you still have basic tomahawks?! *penney charges after kadop, shooting energy bolts as he runs*
Kadop: please don't prove to be a berserker! *kadop attempts to throw penney behind him; penney, using kadop's throw as momentum, grabs kadop and leaps forward, taking kadop with him, and diving into the water*
Laurifer: no, brother! *Laurifer attempts to move his legs* paralyzed! *laurifer pulls out a phase rifle and aims at penney, who is slowly riping kadop apart; laurifer fires a taze-burst at penney, which stops him long enough for kadop to throw him out*
Penney: you are relentless! *penney throws a hammer at Kadop and runs off to the nearby shack*
Laurifer: wow. i did not notice that.
Kadop: not to worry, I'll handle him!
Laurifer: wait, WAIT! don't leave me here, paralyzed like--
Kadop: 5 minutes, no more. *kadop runs off*
Kadop: come out, come out, whereever you are... *kadop sees penney's heat-signature* ah-hah! found you! *kadop grabs a nearby crow-bar and a long wrench, then charges into penney's officeroom*
Penney: what-- FUCK! *penney turns around to see the door flying at him at high speed; he fires both weapons on maximum setting. the laser vaporizes the door while the phased plasma cannon gives kadop quite a shock*
Kadop: that's going to hurt when my sensors reactivate! *kadop kicks penney back, then with two swift moves empties his hands of weapons. then he hits him across the face with the crowbar while penney tries to pull out a pistol. kadop goes berserk, pounding on the hand holding the pistol until the pistol is sent flying across the room. then kadop picks penney up and attempts to hit him again, when penney decks kadop and leaps out of the window.*
Laurifer: stop him!
Kadop: on it!!! *kadop jumps out the window just as penney is climbing on shore; he sees that laurifer still has a rifle in his hands*
Penney: do you guys never give up?! *penney throws laurifer's rifle into the air and stabs his shoulder, immobilizing his arms; kadop attempts a roundhouse kick that is dodged as penney leaps up into the air. when he comes down, before he can react, laurifer, who's systems have been repaired sufficiently, simply gives penney a nice kick into the groin, leaving him paralyzed if not writhing in pain*
Kadop: very nicely done, if i do say so mys... *the phaser rifle lands on penney's head*
Laurifer: you knocked it over. pick it up.
Kennedy: greetings, penney.
Penney: im done with you.
Kennedy: actually, i was going to take you to see the latest movie. it's called "Terran Imperial Battleship USS Phoenix". basically, it glorifies all your achievements during your career.
Penney: really? sounds interesting.
Kadop: i got tickets to the theater.
Laurifer: mister president, good to see you finally taking time to relax.
Penney: that was at my insistence, actually.
Kennedy: i wouldn't be doing this if penney gave me a choice.
Penney: alright, the movie's starting!
Kennedy: penney, popcorn?
Penney: sure. *penney grabs a bag*
Laurifer: you know what, i want some too.
Kadop: but that will mess up your system!
Laurifer: theres a point behind having an organic material digestive system, and im going to use it for that. *larufer starts to chomp down*
Movie: please cease use of all communication devices.
Man: blahblahblahblah, yabber blabber blabber yabber balhblahblah, oh yeah, hehe, blahblahblah...
Movie: cease the use, immediately.
Man: oh hehe, yah, she blahblahblah and then she yabber yabber yabber...
Movie: Stop using your cell phones. NOW.
Man: and then she said "mom, what are you doing?!" and lisa said "umm, nothing that you--"
Movie: Cataclysm Cat is NOT amused.
*everyone stops talking*
Soundtrack wrote:MPA's Anything to Say
Penney: cataclysm cat...? oh shit, we have to get everyone--
*suddenly, a very big red cat starts hovering over the screen*
Penney: where's my pistole?!?!
Kennedy: what is it?
*the cat starts spinning around, spewing toxic gas around the room. as the people in the front rows start to choke, everyone starts screaming and panicking, running to the exits-- only to find that they have been blocked*
Laurifer: oh, fuck! and i forgot to charge my blaster!
Kadop: I'll handle him! *kadop stands and is about to throw his tomahawk, when penney stops him*
Penney: no, i know precisely where and how to hit him, it will take to long to describe, give it to me. *penney grabs the tomahawk* Hey, pussy cat, Get the FUCK down from there!!! *as the cat stops long enough to notice penney, penney throws the tomahawk; it hits him on the soft spot on his belly, knocking him down in a very perturbed meow*
Kennedy: penney, do you realize you have just saved just under a hundred people?
Penney: no, i didnt just save a hundred people, i killed a very noisy and very ruckus-causing beast of terror.